I am going thru a very busy & intense time right now, but you wouldn't know it today...it's Sunday, everything relevant to my current pursuits is closed and the WiFi here is so slow that web-surfing for info is near to impossible...suddenly, I'm bored, so why not write?
I'm sure someone will ask: "How do you know that you don't care for fame if you've never had it...?". So I feel an explanantion is in order.
Actually, I have been briefly famous a number of times in my life, and it was kind of fun. But it also gave me insight into what fame is all about and about how I respond to it. That combined with the ability I have to vicariously learn from and empathetically respond to the experiences of others (both fans & famous) have convinced me that fame is not something I long for nor find worth pursuing.
Don't get me wrong, not that I wouldn't like my music to be famous. That would make me quite happy. To share something I find of value, and have others find it of value would be a wonderful thing and a sort of validation that I'm not wasting my life. Not to mention the fulfillment of one of my life's missions. But I have always believed that something valuable is still valuable even if no one appreciates it (sounds silly put that way) and that a life lived truly has worth even when no one cares. This is one of those deep riddles I have never gotten around to solving, which is rare.
Anyway, my first brush with fame was in junior high. Being one of the few guitar players in school that had more than "beginner" status, I was selected to play the iconic lead-guitar solo at the beginning of a medley of selections from "Jesus Christ Superstar". Combine this with a rockin' version of the title tune "Superstar" to close the number with me visibly putting my heart & soul in it (as is my way) and suddenly I went from among the most ridiculed and pitied in the school, to someone who could never be dismissed as being "without cool".
OK, this didn't mean that everyone loved me. A few I made an indelible impression on and picked them up as obvious admirers. The vast majority singled me out for more teasing. But even in my youthful state I could read jealousy & admiration in their cruelty. This state of affairs actually lasted the rest of Jr. High at one level of intensity or another.
The second time, it was a production of "Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (by the same authors as "Superstar") in high school. Our assignment in composition class (I think) was to each write an arrangement of one of the tunes to be performed by a band made up of members of the class along with a vocal group (glee club or chorus, I can't recall...).
We were to perform this twice, once at an assembly at a local elementary school, and again at the high school for parents, etc.
Well the performance for the kids was the most fun. But the suprising part was that the youngsters singled out two of us...myself & a handsome piano player (who had also sung Jesus part in the other production)...as the stars of the show. Unbelievably to me, we had groupies! They swarmed around us after the show begging for autographs! Very strange....
My third experience came in college because of a songwriting class. We were each assigned to write a tune which would be performed onstage at the Berklee Performance Center, often using class members to form bands for accompaniment. The only stipulation was that the tune must be written in a popular style (it was a Pop Song class).
Ever the nonconformist, I chose to write a country song even though I knew the form was looked down upon in what was at the time a stubbornly "jazz" oriented school.
Always working from inspiration, this was no easy task, this writing on demand. I came up with a few semi-clever, contrived ideas and promptly pitched them. It was getting close to time to complete the assigment when I began to get discouraged, and all the things that were bothering me began to come to the surface. I finally just sat on the bed, wondering how I could produce any decent work in such a state. And feeling sorry for myself, I had the thought just emerge clearly in my mind "Why am I so lonely?"
WHAT??? If that's not the basis for a country tune what is?! It just began falling into place..."what is it that makes me so blue? Why am I so lonely? It's just that I'm missing you!"
The night of the performance came, the next part of the assigment, that of arranging our tunes had been done. Everything rehearsed. I was to be #5 in a field of 26 class members, and only one other had written a country tune.
The bad news was I had laryngytis for 3 days prior to the performance and couldn't talk, let alone sing. I had only begun to regain some power of speech that morning. I wanted to perform so badly that I kept struggling, trying to get my voice back. I actually think I damaged it that day, since my falsetto has been very unreliable ever since.
The first group opened the show, and it was obvious that I was in some very talented company. And then I thought to myself: tonight will tell me if I was cut out to be a performer or not...
Suddenly...it was my turn! My little group was ready and I counted us off. I was shaky as I sang the opening chorus through, and my voice hard to control...the panic rising in my chest didn't help. But by the end of the 1st chrous, people began clapping along to the music...lightly at first...but then growing louder and LOUDER. I responded by getting more animated in my performance, drawing hoots and howls from the crowd. By the time the second chorus came around, everyone seemed to be clapping and cheering.
Finally it was the last chorus (so SOON?), I shouted out for everyone to sing along...AND THEY DID! Even the lighting crew was getting into it, for on the last occurence of the word "blue", they hit me with a Big Blue Spotlight, and the crowd went WILD!
At the end people cheered & clapped for a good long time.
Alright...so much for a cherished memories. Let's look at it realistically. I know well that the reason some of those folks were enjoying it so much, is they were laughing at me a bit...the "country fool in a jazz school." Also as one of my teachers remarked later "That was a good song...Not a great song, mind you."
Heck, I knew that too. Also, by the time the last act, #26 came around, a lot of folks had gotten tired and gone home, and missed some darn good talent.
So why was I the hit of the show? Many up there were more polished as songwriters. My creaky voice that night couldn't stand up to people who regarded their voice as their instrument.
The answer I guess, is that I engaged the audience, and for weeks and even months after that night, people I didn't even know would come up to me on the street, singing my song at me....!
So, it wouldn't be fair to say I haven't experienced some of what fame is all about and the rest I can well imagine. But having looked it in the eye, so to speak, seeing the good and the bad...well, for someone of my solitary nature it seemes to have more burdens than rewards...and that's all I'm going to say for now....so, Bye Until Next Time!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Fame & Fortune...?
As I have related in past blogs (on other sites) I never got into music with the idea of getting rich or famous. Like anyone, that has crossed my mind at one time or other (I AM human), but it has never been a serious motivation. Elsewhere I have described it more like being handed stone tablets with instructions to "get this stuff out there!".
I have been attracted to musical instruments ever since I could stand, began writing melodies since I was 7 or 8, and as a teenager my "lyrical" ability seemed to kick in. But it never was a choice. Sure my early work was a bit silly and contrived, but they still seemed to arise from a deep unstoppable force from my unconscious self...and after awhile even beyond (more on that later).
When "my" ideas began to come as full-blown inspirations, the experiences were some of the most profound and exciting ever to happen to me. It is both a sense of cherishing of the songs that came out of this, and a deep gratitude that they came "thru" me that provides the motivation that I must share them with whoever else I can find that may value them as well.
Having made a long-time study of what makes music popular, I realize that I am at odds with popular culture, therefore making the songs success something of a long shot. But I have also made a study of human nature, so that I realize that as unique as I think I am, that there are probably more people out there who will understand what my body of work seems to be getting at.
To explain further, I must explain my own background a little. I wasn't exposed much to contemporary music in early life...the Beatles being the only exception at about 6 years old. Other than that I mainly heard a lot of music from the 20's & 30's or even earlier. And also thrived on stories about classical composers taught at my local school system. Bach & Beethoven, etc. were my early heroes: here were people that were as absorbed with music as I was, and that was all they did.
As a result, I have always harbored the attitude that any music that is purely inspired & artfully rendered is to be admired regardless of the era in which it was produced or the culture that surrounded it.
So this is where I am. Some of my music was contemporary to the styles that existed when it was written. But so much time had passed before the technology developed that opened the door to making their production feasible, that they are by their necessity "retro". Other arrangements are that way just because of my fondness for older forms & styles, and also because I long since abandoned the notion of being modern just to keep up with being modern.
Lastly, I would like to say that some years ago I came up with an idea for a new more "formless" type of music, but have been so bogged down in trying to get what I had already written done, that in the meantime people such as Paul Winter & Will Ackerman have been delving into that territory without me, which would make me something of a "late-comer" if I ever got there. There are advantages to becoming popular, where you can have many others help you get your work done, instead of relying only on yourself (detect only a little envy here...in the process you give up a certain amount of control over your art!).
This is where I am...not mainstream (anymore) not ground-breaking...I always liked the idea of taking what has gone before and building on it, adding a new twist. Or else, trying to expose the freedom of human experience within a constrained form (something like ballet, or a hollywood musical does).
As a result, I may never be popular, but am content to remain true to my nature.....
I have been attracted to musical instruments ever since I could stand, began writing melodies since I was 7 or 8, and as a teenager my "lyrical" ability seemed to kick in. But it never was a choice. Sure my early work was a bit silly and contrived, but they still seemed to arise from a deep unstoppable force from my unconscious self...and after awhile even beyond (more on that later).
When "my" ideas began to come as full-blown inspirations, the experiences were some of the most profound and exciting ever to happen to me. It is both a sense of cherishing of the songs that came out of this, and a deep gratitude that they came "thru" me that provides the motivation that I must share them with whoever else I can find that may value them as well.
Having made a long-time study of what makes music popular, I realize that I am at odds with popular culture, therefore making the songs success something of a long shot. But I have also made a study of human nature, so that I realize that as unique as I think I am, that there are probably more people out there who will understand what my body of work seems to be getting at.
To explain further, I must explain my own background a little. I wasn't exposed much to contemporary music in early life...the Beatles being the only exception at about 6 years old. Other than that I mainly heard a lot of music from the 20's & 30's or even earlier. And also thrived on stories about classical composers taught at my local school system. Bach & Beethoven, etc. were my early heroes: here were people that were as absorbed with music as I was, and that was all they did.
As a result, I have always harbored the attitude that any music that is purely inspired & artfully rendered is to be admired regardless of the era in which it was produced or the culture that surrounded it.
So this is where I am. Some of my music was contemporary to the styles that existed when it was written. But so much time had passed before the technology developed that opened the door to making their production feasible, that they are by their necessity "retro". Other arrangements are that way just because of my fondness for older forms & styles, and also because I long since abandoned the notion of being modern just to keep up with being modern.
Lastly, I would like to say that some years ago I came up with an idea for a new more "formless" type of music, but have been so bogged down in trying to get what I had already written done, that in the meantime people such as Paul Winter & Will Ackerman have been delving into that territory without me, which would make me something of a "late-comer" if I ever got there. There are advantages to becoming popular, where you can have many others help you get your work done, instead of relying only on yourself (detect only a little envy here...in the process you give up a certain amount of control over your art!).
This is where I am...not mainstream (anymore) not ground-breaking...I always liked the idea of taking what has gone before and building on it, adding a new twist. Or else, trying to expose the freedom of human experience within a constrained form (something like ballet, or a hollywood musical does).
As a result, I may never be popular, but am content to remain true to my nature.....
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
At times like this...
....I often get frustrated, when obligations I must fulfill keep me away from doing what is most natural & consuming to me: the making of music. At these times I often give voice to that frustration, "Why did the 'One Who Made Me' give me this gift to make music, but not put me in a situation where I am free to do so!".
Of course I don't know the answer. Often questions like these answer themselves or melt away along with state of ignorance that gives rise to them...I didn't really have a choice about becoming a songwriter, it wasn't a decision; it was what I was made to be. But many of my other obligations ARE a choice, that I have taken upon myself.
For much of my life I was almost totally consumed with these songs that came as natural as breathing. The inspirations were the fun part, but the countless hours needed to get them in a form where others could hear them...well, THAT pretty much left no time for anything else...so this all-consuming passion wound up consuming ME.
So I prayed that the songs would stop coming, so I could have a somewhat normal life. And so they did. For about 10 years, I didn't write a note. For several years I couldn't pick up a guitar for more than a couple of minutes without getting sick to my stomach...For more in depth about my conflict you may have to refer to the MySpace blogs already written. But it comes down to my NOT having a choice about writing, the weight of responsibility I felt to get them out into the world, and the fact that my very private nature made me ill-suited to carry out this task. (I understand this is a common theme in many stories about artists, which is why so many of us carry a reputation of being kind of "strange".)
The 1st hint of them starting up again was the dream-seed for the song "Earthwind". When they returned I was delighted and accepted the waking of a deep part of my nature happily.
But I am at one of those times when I don't have a time or a place to make recordings, computer changes have ruined my ability to work on arrangements even if I had the time. So here I am again, with a batch unfinished charts & tracks and hope I don't get myself in so deep that I can't get them done!
Of course I don't know the answer. Often questions like these answer themselves or melt away along with state of ignorance that gives rise to them...I didn't really have a choice about becoming a songwriter, it wasn't a decision; it was what I was made to be. But many of my other obligations ARE a choice, that I have taken upon myself.
For much of my life I was almost totally consumed with these songs that came as natural as breathing. The inspirations were the fun part, but the countless hours needed to get them in a form where others could hear them...well, THAT pretty much left no time for anything else...so this all-consuming passion wound up consuming ME.
So I prayed that the songs would stop coming, so I could have a somewhat normal life. And so they did. For about 10 years, I didn't write a note. For several years I couldn't pick up a guitar for more than a couple of minutes without getting sick to my stomach...For more in depth about my conflict you may have to refer to the MySpace blogs already written. But it comes down to my NOT having a choice about writing, the weight of responsibility I felt to get them out into the world, and the fact that my very private nature made me ill-suited to carry out this task. (I understand this is a common theme in many stories about artists, which is why so many of us carry a reputation of being kind of "strange".)
The 1st hint of them starting up again was the dream-seed for the song "Earthwind". When they returned I was delighted and accepted the waking of a deep part of my nature happily.
But I am at one of those times when I don't have a time or a place to make recordings, computer changes have ruined my ability to work on arrangements even if I had the time. So here I am again, with a batch unfinished charts & tracks and hope I don't get myself in so deep that I can't get them done!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Another avenue...
I should like to begin by saying this is the 4th avenue I've tried to make my art available...Notice I didn't say promote, as I never intend to force my music into anyone's face, as I have always found this sort of advertising offensive. But if anyone out there has a potential for an appreciation of what I do, it needs to be somewhere to be found.
I first put up a Yahoo 360 page, with a blog of my personal views and spiritual stories I have collected in hopes that if people found me interesting, that might generate an interest in what I do. It was somewhat successful with a number of people who would follow my writings...Until one day they decided to do away with 360, and "public" pages, converting my page to something that was only available to those who know me personally...That killed that.(These are now available for viewing at tomhawkrevisited.blogspot.com).
MySpace allowed me to put the 10 songs of my 1st album out where they could be heard, along with a blog about my music & music in general. I've picked up a few "friends" this way, but find it limiting in that I cannot add any more songs without deleting those that are there.
Facebook was next, and along with it (through a link), Reverbnation. This has some advantages, but their format forces me to put up 2 different pages: a personal, and an artist page. In this they are constantly frustrating me, because they are constantly doing away with any method I find so that social aquaintances can find or be aware that I even have an artist page. They have done this several times, in different ways. As it stands, people would have to purposely hoe through my "links" to find the buried door to my artist page, and then to another link to Reverbnation. I find this unnacceptable.
So this may not be the ideal solution. But at least I can discuss the problems I face & where I'm going with the music, and maybe a central location where I can direct those interested to whatever avenues I have created or may create in the future....
But enough about me...I would like to post some of my thoughts sometimes (not just about music) where I may be able to connect with YOU. To seek some common ground among those of you who may share a similar view of reality....
I first put up a Yahoo 360 page, with a blog of my personal views and spiritual stories I have collected in hopes that if people found me interesting, that might generate an interest in what I do. It was somewhat successful with a number of people who would follow my writings...Until one day they decided to do away with 360, and "public" pages, converting my page to something that was only available to those who know me personally...That killed that.(These are now available for viewing at tomhawkrevisited.blogspot.com).
MySpace allowed me to put the 10 songs of my 1st album out where they could be heard, along with a blog about my music & music in general. I've picked up a few "friends" this way, but find it limiting in that I cannot add any more songs without deleting those that are there.
Facebook was next, and along with it (through a link), Reverbnation. This has some advantages, but their format forces me to put up 2 different pages: a personal, and an artist page. In this they are constantly frustrating me, because they are constantly doing away with any method I find so that social aquaintances can find or be aware that I even have an artist page. They have done this several times, in different ways. As it stands, people would have to purposely hoe through my "links" to find the buried door to my artist page, and then to another link to Reverbnation. I find this unnacceptable.
So this may not be the ideal solution. But at least I can discuss the problems I face & where I'm going with the music, and maybe a central location where I can direct those interested to whatever avenues I have created or may create in the future....
But enough about me...I would like to post some of my thoughts sometimes (not just about music) where I may be able to connect with YOU. To seek some common ground among those of you who may share a similar view of reality....
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